Amberlydahling's Journals

NEW BUZZNET ACCOUNT!!!!

alright, kiddies, so I've been meaning to tell everyone that I have a new buzznet.
the url is amberlymarie.buzznet.com
this is where all my updates from now on will be taking place,
so if you aren't a friend on there already, go add me.
xoxo
Amberly Marie

A Girl's Dreams

One of the things that I have always loved about myself is that I've never been afraid to dream. Although with my rock bottom self-confidence level, I do have a problem going out and trying to actually reach those dreams. That's something I'm working really hard on though. I guess the main reason I'm writing this is so that I always have something to look back on when I'm down; something to remind me of what exactly I want out of my life, so that I'll never stop fighting to achieve my dreams. The most important part of my dreams is that I get out of this hell-hole I call home. I have a father that I prefer never to see, and the woman who gave birth to me.... Well let's just say the only thing we refer to her as is "The Mother." There's not a doubt in my mind that once I finally get out of this place I won't ever talk to either of them again. In fact, the only people in my family I probably will talk to is my brother, sister-in-law, and my little sister. They're the only ones in my family I can stand.

After graduation in 2010, when I'm finally free, I'm packing up and heading out to Cali. I'm going to live in an old Victorian house like the one in Charmed. The thing I always found weird about that show was that they lived in San Fran, but that house is actually located in LA. I've always loved old Victorian houses, but then again, I love anything Victorian. My goal is to live in either Los Angeles or Hollywood, and start my own clothing line. Designing is my passion, it's basically what I live for. I've already started to brainstorm names for my company, but I haven't decided on anything yet. I still need to make up a logo for it.

The main thing I want out of my future is to actually live it. I've been kept secluded and seperated my entire childhood, and I hate it. I just want to go out there and let loose, be myself. Everyone should at least have a chance to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Unfortunately, I've never been given that option. As crazy as it sounds, I want to go out and dance all night, get drunk off my ass just for the hell of it, make friends with someone who will turn around and stab me in the back, go hungry because I'm still waiting for my big break, walk around in the most wacky clothes simply because I like them. To most people these probably sound like horrible things to go through, but I'd love to have all of those things happen to me, just because it was my choice; and the consequences are all mine.

I've probably rambled enough, but this is what I want out of my life, these are my dreams. They're basically the only reason I get up every morning and put up with all the shit at home. If it weren't for these dreams, I would have ended it long ago. All I have to remember is that in two years, I'm finally free. I'm about to go make a poll with name ideas for my clothing line, I'd appreciate it if you dropped by and gave me your opinion.

xoxo

Hello you, how was the rest?

Okay, so I decided to write another one.
I just finished watching True Life: I'm Going to Fashion Week. All the other times it was on, I've missed it, so I'm psyched that I finally got to see it. Especially the portions with Audrey Kithing, Hanna Beth, and Raquel Reed; who are all great models. Short, sweet, and too the point, haha.

Well, I've already told one of the quotes I live my life by, so I might as well share the other one; which is by a very talented and inspirational man, may he rest in piece.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself (I am large, I contain multitudes)." ~ Walt Whitman

xoxo

Oscar Wilde is 'the sex'!

It's been like two weeks since I've updated on here, which is bad on my part.
I finished school, barely moving up a year. As it turns out I didn't get my credit for Algebra, and just barely got my credits for English and Spanish. So now I don't even know whether I'm going to get ungrounded or not. Not that I do anything to begin with. Recently I've been reading this really awesome fic by jesslovespanic, it's called Because This Road Is All You'll Ever Have. You should totally check it out, it's the shit as far as fics go. This afternoon was spent watching old Audrey Kitching's old Stickam shows and laughing my ass off. For once I was actually productive and worked on some stuff while I was watching them. Mainly I worked on two scarves I'm making, one by crotheting and the other by knitting. I really want to learn how to so. Then I'll be like a triple threat, haha.

I really don't have anything else to say, except "WOOT!" to mercury coming out of retrograde soon. Luckily, I'm a Virgo not a Gemini, so I'm not as affected by it, although I've been forgetting a lot of stuff lately. Being a big believer in astrology, I'll finally breathe easy once mercury is finally back on course.

So I guess I'll just leave you with one of the two quotes I live my life by.

"Be yourself; everyone else is taken." ~ Oscar Wilde

xoxo

Target =

Mmkay, so a trip to Target equaled 3 things I didn't intend, but love.
& one thing I wanted that I didn't get.
I really wanted this plastic cup in the shape of a cupcake, but they didn't have any :(
cupcakes = luff

But what I did get was Dirty Dancing, Wild Hogs, and Marie Antoinette on DVD.
Dirty Dancing is one of my favorite old movies, Marie Antoinette I've never seen but already know I'll love.
&& Wild Hogs, well, laugh-your-ass-off funny. 'Nough said.

Overall, today wasn't too bad. Although I did have to report this kid to the Principal because he hasn't stopped poking me for three years, even though I ask him to stop every day. I finally got fed up enough to put an end to it officially. Now I'm off to take a shower && watch Marie Antoinette for the first time.

xoxo

A Trip to the Library

Just got back from the library in town. It may be small, but it has a pretty good selection. I got Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte and The Audacity to Hope by Barack Obama. I basically started jumping up and down when I spotted Obama's book. I can't wait to read it. I'm definitely an Obama Girl through and through. I even have a shirt that says so, lol.

xoxo

Disconnected From It All

I'm not sure where to stop, where to start. Everything seems to be going fast and slow at the same time. Every day is a fight; with "The Mother" verbally, and with myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. With her about something stupid, with myself to not do something stupid to myself. I don't know how much longer I can last having to listen to her crazy notions that she somehow finds a way to justify. Yesterday I was forbidden to eat after one o'clock.

I applied for a job on Friday. Hopefully I get it. I'll work my ass off if that's what it takes to get away from this bitch. I added a lot of songs to the player on my profile, finally got around to it. Now I just have a million other things piling up that I have to do. Probably never get them done though.

xoxo

Obsessions

Okay, so I've recently become obsessed with Katy Perry's song I Kissed A Girl. If anyone out there is crazy enough to read these things, then you should totally go listen to it. She has a page on Myspace with the song on it. Also, it's my profile song, the link to that is in my recent links section.

As of right now, I've gone 1 month and two days without meat. I'm so proud of myself, although "the mother" keeps getting frustrated about what to cook. The Independence Fund really isn't coming along, due to the fact that I don't have a job, or any other source of income. Although in 4 months, I will officially be old enough to work at McD's. Which happens to be the only place around here a teenager can work. Living in a small hick town sucks.

I haven't had peachy rings or any other sort of gummy in months now and I'm seriously craving. The same goes for smoothies. Being seperated from your addictions is something I never want to have to go through again...... whenever I stop being seperated from them, that is. haha. Although today, I did have a sip of the blue Amp, which tastes like red gummy bears. I practically flipped out it was so good. For fun, I've decided to put together a list of my obsessions.

Le List:
smoothies
gummies
I Kissed A Girl
Linkin Park's Meteora Album
Spanish "Entienne" songs
Dairy Queen ice cream
Memoirs of A Geisha (book && movie)
Juno
hairflips
writing
piercings
puzzles
over-accesorizing
reading
tattoos
Buzznet
RPing

I think that's it...... probably not though. I have so many obsessions their hard to remember. The same goes with fears (except I always remember all of those).

xoxo

A Trip Turned to Hell

How am I supposed to get through these next three days when I haven't even been able to make it through the last day and a half without being driven to tears?
Does she think I don't already know I'm so fat she can't stand to look at me? Does she really have to drive it home every single day?
Don't I know none of them think I belong in this family? Nothing I ever do is good enough for them.
For her.
I try to help and all that happens is I get yelled at and bitched out.
I mean it's my brothers wedding tomorrow. The one person in the family who I even remotely like and who has ever been nice to me is getting married. This should be one of the happiest times in my life, but no. They won't let it be.
Instead I'm crying and I can't seem to stop.
Nothing is going right in my life. Because they don't want it too. I have no reason to be happy right now. Maybe not ever.

It's like last year all over again. It's like they want me to try to kill myself for a third time and either succeed or wind up in the hospital again. I seriously need some support right now. But I can't seem to find any.

I can't put an xoxo at the end of this one, simply because that would be an outright lie.

Changes All Around Me

I can't say which bothers me more.
The fact that my best friend is moving to Florida on Saturday
or that music isn't bringing me the pleasure it usually does.

Starting in 55 minutes, I'll be on the way to North Carolina for my brothers wedding on Saturday.
Meaning today was the last time I'll ever see my best friend again.
I practically cried during school today, and I can honestly say I feel like shit right now.

Music and writing have always been my safety nets.
But lately I haven't had any desire to write at all
and now music is starting to lose all the comfort it's provided me these past few years.

My life is like a continually downward spiral lately and I can't figure out why.
The only bright side is that I haven't eaten meat in 3 weeks and 2 days.
The cravings for it are starting to go away too.
I don't even really understand whey there were cravings in the first place
Seeing as how I hate meat.

Signed,
A positively depressed and dying on the inside 15 year old girl

xoxo