amberlydahling

One of the things that I have always loved about myself is that I've never been afraid to dream. Although with my rock bottom self-confidence level, I do have a problem going out and trying to actually reach those dreams. That's something I'm working really hard on though. I guess the main reason I'm writing this is so that I always have something to look back on when I'm down; something to remind me of what exactly I want out of my life, so that I'll never stop fighting to achieve my dreams. The most important part of my dreams is that I get out of this hell-hole I call home. I have a father that I prefer never to see, and the woman who gave birth to me.... Well let's just say the only thing we refer to her as is "The Mother." There's not a doubt in my mind that once I finally get out of this place I won't ever talk to either of them again. In fact, the only people in my family I probably will talk to is my brother, sister-in-law, and my little sister. They're the only ones in my family I can stand.



After graduation in 2010, when I'm finally free, I'm packing up and heading out to Cali. I'm going to live in an old Victorian house like the one in Charmed. The thing I always found weird about that show was that they lived in San Fran, but that house is actually located in LA. I've always loved old Victorian houses, but then again, I love anything Victorian. My goal is to live in either Los Angeles or Hollywood, and start my own clothing line. Designing is my passion, it's basically what I live for. I've already started to brainstorm names for my company, but I haven't decided on anything yet. I still need to make up a logo for it.

The main thing I want out of my future is to actually live it. I've been kept secluded and seperated my entire childhood, and I hate it. I just want to go out there and let loose, be myself. Everyone should at least have a chance to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Unfortunately, I've never been given that option. As crazy as it sounds, I want to go out and dance all night, get drunk off my ass just for the hell of it, make friends with someone who will turn around and stab me in the back, go hungry because I'm still waiting for my big break, walk around in the most wacky clothes simply because I like them. To most people these probably sound like horrible things to go through, but I'd love to have all of those things happen to me, just because it was my choice; and the consequences are all mine.

I've probably rambled enough, but this is what I want out of my life, these are my dreams. They're basically the only reason I get up every morning and put up with all the shit at home. If it weren't for these dreams, I would have ended it long ago. All I have to remember is that in two years, I'm finally free. I'm about to go make a poll with name ideas for my clothing line, I'd appreciate it if you dropped by and gave me your opinion.

xoxo

Okay, so I decided to write another one.
I just finished watching True Life: I'm Going to Fashion Week. All the other times it was on, I've missed it, so I'm psyched that I finally got to see it. Especially the portions with Audrey Kithing, Hanna Beth, and Raquel Reed; who are all great models. Short, sweet, and too the point, haha.

Well, I've already told one of the quotes I live my life by, so I might as well share the other one; which is by a very talented and inspirational man, may he rest in piece.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself (I am large, I contain multitudes)."         ~ Walt Whitman

xoxo

It's been like two weeks since I've updated on here, which is bad on my part.
I finished school, barely moving up a year. As it turns out I didn't get my credit for Algebra, and just barely got my credits for English and Spanish. So now I don't even know whether I'm going to get ungrounded or not. Not that I do anything to begin with. Recently I've been reading this really awesome fic by jesslovespanic, it's called Because This Road Is All You'll Ever Have. You should totally check it out, it's the shit as far as fics go. This afternoon was spent watching old Audrey Kitching's old Stickam shows and laughing my ass off. For once I was actually productive and worked on some stuff while I was watching them. Mainly I worked on two scarves I'm making, one by crotheting and the other by knitting. I really want to learn how to so. Then I'll be like a triple threat, haha.

I really don't have anything else to say, except "WOOT!" to mercury coming out of retrograde soon. Luckily, I'm a Virgo not a Gemini, so I'm not as affected by it, although I've been forgetting a lot of stuff lately. Being a big believer in astrology, I'll finally breathe easy once mercury is finally back on course.

So I guess I'll just leave you with one of the two quotes I live my life by.

"Be yourself; everyone else is taken."                   ~ Oscar Wilde

xoxo

Mmkay, so a trip to Target equaled 3 things I didn't intend, but love.
& one thing I wanted that I didn't get.
I really wanted this plastic cup in the shape of a cupcake, but they didn't have any :(
cupcakes = luff

But what I did get was Dirty Dancing, Wild Hogs, and Marie Antoinette on DVD.
Dirty Dancing is one of my favorite old movies, Marie Antoinette I've never seen but already know I'll love.
&& Wild Hogs, well, laugh-your-ass-off funny. 'Nough said.

Overall, today wasn't too bad. Although I did have to report this kid to the Principal because he hasn't stopped poking me for three years, even though I ask him to stop every day. I finally got fed up enough to put an end to it officially. Now I'm off to take a shower && watch Marie Antoinette for the first time.

xoxo

Just got back from the library in town. It may be small, but it has a pretty good selection. I got Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte and The Audacity to Hope by Barack Obama. I basically started jumping up and down when I spotted Obama's book. I can't wait to read it. I'm definitely an Obama Girl through and through. I even have a shirt that says so, lol.

xoxo

I'm not sure where to stop, where to start. Everything seems to be going fast and slow at the same time. Every day is a fight; with "The Mother" verbally, and with myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. With her about something stupid, with myself to not do something stupid to myself. I don't know how much longer I can last having to listen to her crazy notions that she somehow finds a way to justify. Yesterday I was forbidden to eat after one o'clock.

I applied for a job on Friday. Hopefully I get it. I'll work my ass off if that's what it takes to get away from this bitch. I added a lot of songs to the player on my profile, finally got around to it. Now I just have a million other things piling up that I have to do. Probably never get them done though.

xoxo

Okay, so I've recently become obsessed with Katy Perry's song I Kissed A Girl. If anyone out there is crazy enough to read these things, then you should totally go listen to it. She has a page on Myspace with the song on it. Also, it's my profile song, the link to that is in my recent links section.

As of right now, I've gone 1 month and two days without meat. I'm so proud of myself, although "the mother" keeps getting frustrated about what to cook. The Independence Fund really isn't coming along, due to the fact that I don't have a job, or any other source of income. Although in 4 months, I will officially be old enough to work at McD's. Which happens to be the only place around here a teenager can work. Living in a small hick town sucks.

I haven't had peachy rings or any other sort of gummy in months now and I'm seriously craving. The same goes for smoothies. Being seperated from your addictions is something I never want to have to go through again...... whenever I stop being seperated from them, that is. haha. Although today, I did have a sip of the blue Amp, which tastes like red gummy bears. I practically flipped out it was so good. For fun, I've decided to put together a list of my obsessions.

Le List:
smoothies
gummies
I Kissed A Girl
Linkin Park's Meteora Album
Spanish "Entienne" songs
Dairy Queen ice cream
Memoirs of A Geisha (book && movie)
Juno
hairflips
writing
piercings
puzzles
over-accesorizing
reading
tattoos
Buzznet
RPing

I think that's it...... probably not though. I have so many obsessions their hard to remember. The same goes with fears (except I always remember all of those).

xoxo

How am I supposed to get through these next three days when I haven't even been able to make it through the last day and a half without being driven to tears?
Does she think I don't already know I'm so fat she can't stand to look at me? Does she really have to drive it home every single day?
Don't I know none of them think I belong in this family? Nothing I ever do is good enough for them.
For her.
I try to help and all that happens is I get yelled at and bitched out.
I mean it's my brothers wedding tomorrow. The one person in the family who I even remotely like and who has ever been nice to me is getting married. This should be one of the happiest times in my life, but no. They won't let it be.
Instead I'm crying and I can't seem to stop.
Nothing is going right in my life. Because they don't want it too. I have no reason to be happy right now. Maybe not ever.

It's like last year all over again. It's like they want me to try to kill myself for a third time and either succeed or wind up in the hospital again. I seriously need some support right now. But I can't seem to find any.

I can't put an xoxo at the end of this one, simply because that would be an outright lie.

I can't say which bothers me more.
The fact that my best friend is moving to Florida on Saturday
or that music isn't bringing me the pleasure it usually does.

Starting in 55 minutes, I'll be on the way to North Carolina for my brothers wedding on Saturday.
Meaning today was the last time I'll ever see my best friend again.
I practically cried during school today, and I can honestly say I feel like shit right now.

Music and writing have always been my safety nets.
But lately I haven't had any desire to write at all
and now music is starting to lose all the comfort it's provided me these past few years.

My life is like a continually downward spiral lately and I can't figure out why.
The only bright side is that I haven't eaten meat in 3 weeks and 2 days.
The cravings for it are starting to go away too.
I don't even really understand whey there were cravings in the first place
Seeing as how I hate meat.

Signed,
A positively depressed and dying on the inside 15 year old girl

xoxo

Along with everyone else (I'm sure)
I happen to have a lot of dreams.
But, unlike a lot of other people
I intend to fulfill every single one of them.

My main dream in life is to get out of this state and away from "The Mother"
Yesterday I thought up a way to help me do this.
Different things fall under the category of getting away from here.
They consist of;;
A car
A job
Driver's Training
Moving to Calofornia
&& of course;;
Being able to afford all of this can be quite a hassle.
So I've decided to save all of my change and most of my money
into a fund.
I call it The Independence Fund.

Because as long as I'm under her grip, I will never have my independence.
Which happens to be the one thing I long for over anything else.
In every journal I will post the new total of my fund.

As I'm sure most people know, California can be an expensive place to life.
So I'm gonna need a lot of money, but I will do it.
Because it's one of my dreams.
My sister told me if I get a job I can buy her crappy yellow slug bug off her.
It'll do the job until I can get a car of my own.
So, first order of business would be to find a job.

The Independence Fund
$1.95

13 days 'til the wedding
6 days without meat
9 hours of sleep
1 cold shower
2 months 9 days left of solitary confinement
1 mentally abusive mother
5 fake friends
5 firefox tabs
1 hello kitty pink pen
8 piercings
1 uncertain future
add in;;
an unknown number of dreams
and
an uncountable amount of fears
and you get

1 clinically depressed
cold
lonely
used
15 year old girl.

you get me.

Okay, so the journal I wrote last night was pretty rushed and didn't really explain much.
So, that's pretty much what this journal will be about.

The fact that I have a D in Advanced Algebra II and an E in English II is pretty self-explanatory. I just don't do my homework in either class; out of laziness in English and because I don't get math. If I get my grades up to C's, I'll be able to pass with my class, which is a good thing. I have all A's && B's except for in those two classes, so at least I'm not totally failing. Plus, better grades = my nose getting pierced and "The Mother" signing off on my first tattoo.

Last night I went to Meijers with one of my older sisters and "The Mother." Afterwards we went out to Qdoba and talked about how I've wanted to be Vegan since I was 12, but that I thought it'd be a better idea to become vegetarian first, you know, small steps. This older sister happens to be a vegetarian, just not by choice (she has stomach problems, can't handle meat) and she told me what I'd need to do in order to get the protein and other things my body needs. So as of last night, I'm officially a vegetarian, which i'm psyched about.

My best friend..... now there's a hard subject. We met at the beginning of this school year, and have literally been inseperable since. We call each other at least twice a day, constantly IMing and talking on myspace, it's like we're attached at the hip. The fact that she's a complete and total bitch is one of the things I've always loved about her, because let's face it, I'm not always the sunnies and nicest person out there. But lately, everything she says seems over the top judgemental and I can't stand being around her. Every creative idea I get, she winds up trying to copy and rip off, which really pisses me off. Recently I decided I want to move out to L.A.//Hollywood and become a small time clothing designer//fashion photogropher. And now, she's all psyched about this idea that was initially mine, that now she's all for doing herself. It's driving me off the wall insane!! Of course, the only difference between "our" dreams is that she wants to do it for the fame, and I want to do it because my passions are being behind the camera and designing.

I have these really weird guys I hand out with, that I could care less if I never saw them again, but they're still really cool to be around even though they're totally annoying. Well lately, two of them have asked me out repeatedly even though I've said no. One has actually been asking me out for three years since he moved here when we were in the 7th grade, but I repeatedly have to keep saying that I only like them as friends.

When I was 14, and a freshman in high school, I met this 18 year old through some of my senior friends. He was like my world for almost two months. I mean, we were hardcore in love, planning on how many kids to have, where we'd live, everything. Of course, with our age differences, neither of our parents approved of our relationship. The minute they got serious about breaking us apart, he dropped me like that, saying he wasn't even sure he was ever in love with me. This being my first (and only, at this point) love, I was devastated. It took me five months just to get over him. Now, a year later, he tells me that when I graduate he wants to give "us" another go. Keep in mind, that's like 2 years from now, and he'll be 22 when I'm 17. Not that I matter how old he is, but I'm just like wtf, after all the drama and pain he puts me through, he says this!!!???

On a lighter, less dramatic note, I got my ears pierced for the 4th time a week ago tomorrow. All 4 pairs are on the lobes of my ears, because I really don't want to get my cartilege pierced. The one in my right ear still hurts like a bitch for some reason, even though I keep cleaning it.

I just bought Juno, American Gangster, and Gone Baby Gone today.
The only one I haven't already seen is Gone Baby Gone.
In fact, I just got done watching Juno.

I realized when I was laying in bed this morning that I forgot the "two things about me" part of the last journal, so there's 4 this time.

I love movies.
Single && happy (about that anyways)
Virgin and proud of it.
I have a porcelain fish that I couldn't stand not seeing every day. He sits on top of my computer desk.

Anyways, I'm off to watch Juno again.

xoxo

P.S. If you have any tips or advice on my situations, please share.

It's been a few days since I posted a journal, and yeah, sorry. Things have been hectic here. What with trying not to fail the 10th grade, my new life style changes, and my fucking piercing that won't stop hurting.

Short explanation:
I have a D and an E that I need to raise to at least C's within the next 6 weeks.
Both so I can get my nose pierced && my first tattoo, and because "The Mother" will kill me if I don't.
As of an hour ago, I've officially got the go-ahead to become vegetarian.
Next stop, vegan.
For some reason, I can't stand being around my best friend lately.
I've got two of my best guy friends who I only like as FRIENDS who keep asking me out.
My only serious relationship ended a year ago, and now the guy decides he wants to try again "in a few years."
It's like, wtf, why tell me this now, and not in a few years? (he's 19, I'm 15, hence the few years)
I got my ears pierced for the 4th time on the lobes last Sunday, and the one in my right ear still hurts.

And, yes, that really was the short explanation.
I'll try and post an actual full blog either tomorrow or Sunday.
I'm so glad it's finally the weekend, but I have loads to do anyways.
But at least I can get a full nights sleep.

xoxo

Hola my pretties.
I'm off too watch Beetlejuice, but I'll be back afterwards too edit in about my day.

Okay, so I didn't end up getting to update this until today.
Mainly because I couldn't convince my lazy ass to get out of bed.
Bad because I didn't get to edit this.
Good because I finally got a full nights sleep.

So yesterday, after I posted the blog, I managed to get two hours of sleep before I had to get up for school. Let me tell you, it was no easy feet to get out of bed. Got to school, breakfast consisted of some peanut butter I'd brought with me in the jar. Spanish was boring, and didn't learn a thing. Biology was all about studying evolution, which was actually interesting. (I know, I was shocked too). Sociology, which is my favorite class, was spent learning about ethnic and racial minorities. Lunch was just more peanut butter. Advanced Algebra II almost put me too sleep, as usual. We were doing something with Inverse Variations. In English II we read Julias Caesar by Shakespeare, which of course I loved doing. Mainly because Julias Caesar is like, my number one hero and idol. Plus, I love reading Shakespeare. Then in Life Skills, pretended to read from the textbook while chatting it up with my friends.

40 minute bus ride consisted of blasting my mp3 player so I wouldn't fall asleep and miss my stop. Got home, slept for about 2 hours before I was woken up. Watched the little kid while "The Mother" went to the tanner. Slept for another hour. Ate 3 pieces of pizza. Watched Beetelejuice, went to bed. Over all, it was a pretty unexciting day. Especially since my new piercings were killing me all day yesterday. It always gets me how getting them doesn't hurt, but the next few days afterwards do.

Today, woke up, went to school, had more peanut butter as breakfast. Spanish was much of the same, as was Biology, Sociology, Algebra, Enlish, & Life Skills. Although I actually ate what can be considered a lunch today.

Now I'm home, writing this, yada yada.

Notes To Self;;
--- buy memory card for PS2
--- copy past 2 days Alg hw from Travis
--- remember to take Lit textbook to school, so I can stop borrowing Travis's
--- clean room (like that will ever happen)

Okay, so two things about me..... let's see;;

I'm a horrible procrastinator
You're reading the journal of someone who enjoys causing themself pain.

Note: transferred from old buzznet account. This journal was originally posted on 4/14/08. Updated 4/15/08

It's currently 3:20 on a Monday morning, and I have to wake up for school in about..... Oh, 3 hours and 10 minutes. The only problem with this is that to wake up for school, I'd actually have to sleep first. I haven't even attempted to crawl in bed and shut my eyes, for I know it would be in vain. haha. There's always something so entertaining about using phrases people don't expect me too. I love being dramatic just for the hell of it, but I can't stand people who overdo it. A little drama every now and then is good for the soul, but too much makes me want to hurl.

I find myself sitting in my favorite piece of furniture in the world (my computer chair, of course), staring at the multitudes of crap strewn all over my computer desk. Dishes, dvd's, books, random papers with info, sudoku (a must have), and of course, the ever present bottle of water. Even with the entire cyber world literally at my fingertips, I can't get the ringing of silence from my ears or the shivers of boredom and chill from my bones. "The Mother" is sleeping (like all normal people), and therefore everything must be quiet as a mouse. God, I can only think of the horror that would be bestowed upon me if she knew I was still up. I'm already in the proccess of serving a 4 month grounding for having a D in two of my classes.

Hmmm..... I think I've finished my mini-rant for now. I've already decided to leave all my journal entries with two things I'm absolutely certain of about myself. At this point in my life, I need not only my knife and my beloved music, but things that don't change.

I don't like numbering things.
Sudoku && word-searches are my saviors.

xoxo

Note: transferred from old buzznet account. originally posted on 4/14/08